What's in the bag, mister?

[Arizhel]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got
two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and
says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that... get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them
out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan
overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that
there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts
them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What
have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the
bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan,
and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day, and the guard meets him
in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling
something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you
smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[umi]

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. “What’s that” he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, “Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.” Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. “Here,” she said, “you must put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, “What the heck did you do that for?” “Just checking for bees,” said Tarzan

[Dank]

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset.

Finally, after three weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrahs." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrahs.

As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told.

When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . .

21.

The voice says, "F_ck."

[Arizhel]

An older couple is out for dinner, celebrating their 20th anniversary. During the course of dinner, unfortunately, a fight brews up, and they eventually end up screaming at each other.

The husband jumps to his feet and yells, 'I hope you die first, because, I'm going to have "Here lies my wife, cold as ever" carved on your tombstone!"

The wife jumps to her feet and screams back, 'Oh yeah? I hope -you- die first, because yours will read, "Here lies my husband, stiff at last!"

[Dank]

Anne Hathaway was the wife of William Shakespeare. She married at the age of 26. This was really unusual for the time. Most people married at a much younger age, like 11 or 12. Life was not as romantic as it has been pictured.

Here are some examples:

Anne Hathaway's home was a three bedroom house with a small parlor, which was used only to entertain company, a kitchen, and no bathroom.

Her mother and father shared a bedroom. Anne had a queen-sized bed, but did not sleep alone. She also had two sisters, and they shared the bed with up to six other servant girls. (This is before she married.) They didn't sleep lengthwise along the bed like we do today, but all laid on the bed crosswise.

At least they had a bed. The other bedroom was shared by her six brothers and some two dozen field workers. They didn't have a bed. Everyone just wrapped up in a blanket and slept on the floor. With the absence of indoor heating, the proximity of extra bodies kept them warm.

They were a people short in stature, the men grew to be about 5'6" and the women to 4'8".

The Wedding Bouquet

Most people got married in June. Commoners took their yearly bath in May, so they were still relatively odor-free by June. When things started to turn, however, new brides would carry a bouquet of flowers to hide their unseemly scent.

"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Though they took their yearly bath in May, it was simply a big tub that they would fill with hot water. The man of the house would have the privilege of being the first to bathe, and would perform his ablutions in clean water. The sons and other men of the house would have their turn next, followed by the women and young children. Infants would be bathed last. By then the water was pretty thick. Hence, the saying, "don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

"It's raining cats and dogs."

Their house was topped by a thatch roof. A thatch roof is basically thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for little animals to shelter in the cold. Family pets, like dogs and cats, and other small animals lived in the roof thatch. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house from the roof thatch. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where insects and animal droppings might fall on you while you slept. Furniture builders found that if they added four corner posts, over which hung a thin protective cotton sheet, it would prevent nasty surprises in the night. Hence the four-poster bed.

"Dirt poor."

When you came into a commoner's house, you would step onto a dirt floor. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the term, "dirt poor."

Threshhold

The wealthy had slate floors. In the winter the slate would get slippery when wet. So they started to spread thresh leavings on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they would just keep adding to the existing threshing floor by-product. Sometimes the material would spill outside when you opened the door. By anchoring a piece of would under the door at the entryway, they could contain the thresh. We call this a "thresh hold" today.

In the kitchen they would cook over a hearth. They hung a big kettle over the fire and every day they would add ingredients to the pot.

"Peas porridge nine days old."

Their diets consisted mostly of vegetables. They would eat stew for dinner then leave the leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew would contain food that was more than a week old! Hence the rhyme: "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old."

"Bringing home the bacon."

Sometimes they got hold of some pork. It marked a truly a special occasion and to impress invited company, they would hang their pork shoulder on a rack in the parlor. It became a sign of wealth and that the man of the house "could really bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and they would all sit around and "chew the fat."

English Cuisine.

If you had money, your plates were made of pewter. Some foods, primarily vegetables, have a high acid content and the interaction between the food and the pewter would cause lead to leach into the food. Tomatoes were a vegetable with a high acid content. So they simply stopped eating tomatoes... for the last four hundred years.

Most people didn't have pewter plates though, and for the most part, had trenchers. A trencher was a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. They wouldn't often wash their boards and sometimes worms would get into the wood. After eating off a wormy trencher, they might get "trench mouth."

"The Upper crust"

If you were traveling and wanted to stay at an Inn, a bed was provided, but not the board (food). A bread loaf was divided according to eater status. Workers would get the burnt bottom of the loaf, the host family would get the middle and affluent guests would get the top, or the "upper crust".

"The Wake."

They also used lead-based pewter cups to drink their ale or grain spirits. The combination would sometimes lead to an unconciousness lasting a couple of days. Someone might discover a drinker passed out in this manner while walking along a country road. Thinking them dead, they would return the body to its home and prepare them for burial. They realized if they were too quick about it, they might inadvertantly bury someone alive. So they would lay them out on the kitchen table for a couple of days, as the family gathered to eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. That's where the custom of holding a "wake" came from.

"Graveyard shift."

As London grew, some of the older towns in the outskirts started running out of places to bury people in their tiny cemeteries. To address this, greedy undertakers would exhume a grave, move the contents to an ossuary and re-use the grave. Some coffin lids bore scratch marks on the underside. One out of every twenty-five coffins showed signs that their occupants had not been dead when interred. To prevent this unseemly end, an undertaker would tie a string to the wrist of the newly departed and run it from the
coffin up through the ground and to a little bell carriage. Someone would have to sit in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence the term, "graveyard shift." If the bell rang, they would refer to that person as someone who was either "saved by the bell" or a "dead ringer".

[Arizhel]

=> NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake)
=> LOCATION: Throughout the world

=> DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head
(other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying
from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous
spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size
varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood &
sub-species.

=> SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower
front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a
severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine
months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has
been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

=> HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known

[Enter key for more or 'q' to stop]

to appear in the most unusual places.

=> ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women.
However, once the venom is injected into the body only
drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is
no known antidote for men.

=> WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too
deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and
ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the
victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

=> CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and
active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right
respect, makes a wonderful pet.