Useless Spell Compendium, Vol. I

[Arizhel]

Acid Trip
Alamir's Fundamental Theorem
Anger God
Animate Bread
Anti-Magic Magic Missle
Become Dead (reverse of Resurrect Self)
Bigby's Clenched Teeth
Bigby's Critically Fumbling Hand
Bigby's Insulting Hand (the second finger is rather prominent)
Break the Wind
Change Elf
Charm Dead
Clear Audience (usually follows Delayed Blast Flatulence)
Create Coat Hanger
Cure Light Winds
Cure Smoked Ham
Deathwish
Detect Dead (Yep, he's dead alright...)
Detect Spells
Detect Lightning Bolts (area: 5')
Detect Pervert
Detect Self
Drawmij's Instant Coffee (components: hot water and cup)
Enlightening Bolt
Enrage Dragon
ESPN
Evard's Blue Testicles
Explosive Friends
Feign Orgasm
Foreskin
Get Life
Globe of Vulnerability
Guess Alignment
Hair Extension I, II, III
Heel
Hold Bladder
Hold Self
Impress Plants
Improper Suggestion
Invisibility to Dead
Irritate Self
Kender Summoning I, II, III
Knock Knock
Legend Bore
Leomund's Grass Hut
Lightning Blot
Locate Right Hand
Maggot Missle
Magic Gristle
Mail of the Banshee
Melf's Acid Trip
Mildly Surprising Grasp
Mistaken Identify
Mordenkainen's Aroused Hound (can't get it off of the nearest leg)
Mordenkainen's Unfaithful Wife
Otto's Irresistible Disco-Duck
Part Hair
Phantasmal Fork
Power Word, NO!
Power Word, Puke
Protection from Self
Psychoanalyze Without Error (Zo, ven dit you shtop lofink your mutter?)
Rectum of Retention
Remove Hand (yours)
Reservation
Rest Erection
Resurrect Living
Sheepskin
Shocking Gasp (usually follows Tenser's Shocking Suggestion)
Silence of the Lambs, 15' radius
Speak With Self
Tasha's Controllable Mildly Unpleasant Laughter
Tasha's Uncontrollable Bladder
Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Flatulence
Teleport Without Destination
Teleport Without Terror
Tenser's Formatted Disk
Tenser's Shocking Suggestion (you want to WHAT??!)
Transmute Rock to Jazz
Unseen Manservant
Unseen Pervert
Wall of Dog
You Wish!
ZX-Spectral Force

[Jun]

A full hearted laugh goes to that one Arizhel!
I need 'Rest Erection' every morning. Does every man have this problem? Can't I just wake up and have my coffee without being turned on?

[Arizhel]

This is the Useless Spell Compendium, Vol. II



Airy Air
Auditable Glamour
Bigby's Groping Hand
Bigby's Sucker Punch (verbal component: "What's that?" Somatic component: point behind target)
Blind Self
Break-Wind Wall
Burning Hands (Yours, ouch)
Burning Mouth (Range: 0)
Charm Dead (not undead!)
Charm Self
Charm Undead (X rated version)
Cone of bubbles
Dalamar's Whoopee Cushion
Dancing Knights
Darkness, 15 micron radius
Deeppocket Lint
Delayed Blast Flatulence
Deny Reality
Detect Crying
Detect Strikes and Spares
Detect Wind
Differentiate Without Error (Hey, you never know...)
Dimension Doorknob
Dispurse Self
Eerie Water
Engorge (a natural companion to Magic Muscle)
Evard's Black Growth (range: 0)
Explosive Familiar
Extension Cord I, II, and III
Extinguish Match (casting time: 5 rounds)
Feign Invisibility
Find Acquaintance
Find Floor (somantic component: falling on face)
Find Hand (especially useful after casting Remove Hand)
Fiscal Projection
Flesh to Plush
Gizzard Mark
Hairy Water
Hold Self
Hug Self
Indirection (address register postincrement)
Insect Plague, 5' Radius
Invisible Runes
Invisibility to Inanimate Objects.
Kooshball
Legend Lore, Extended Dance Mix
Leomund's Mortgaged Shelter
Leomund's Sturdy Music Box
Level Water
Lice Storm
Locate Self (tells you where you are, relative to your location)
Magic Boomeranging Missile (hit that 1st level mage for 1d4+1)
Magic Missal
Magic Miss-All
Magic Muscle
Magic Shotglass (as opposed to Magic Jar)
Magic Whistle
Melf's Acid Bow
Memorize Spell
Micrometeorite Storm
Mordenkainen's Agnostic Hound
Mordenkainen's Faithful Mosquito
Muenster Summoning I-VII
Nystul's Undetectible Aura
Pastel Blade of Warm Fuzzies (9th level drow spell)
Phantasmal Course
Phantasmal Invisibility
Plane XOR
Power Word, Pout
Power Word, Annoy
Power Word, Smirk
Profane Death
Protection from Catnips
Protection from Elvis, 10' Radius
Protection from Halitosis
Protection from Normal Air
Protection from Normal Missals
Protection from Normal Pillows
Protection from Weevils
Putrefy Offal
Rary's Mnemonic Device
Remove Self
Resurrect Self (Must be alive to cast this spell)
Reservation
Return Undead
Reverse Gravy
Summon Self
Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Hand
Tell-a-port (allows one way conversation with doors)
Tenser's Slipped Disk
This Space for Rent (fills up space on in mage's memory)
Time Start
Transmute RGB to HSV
Transmute Rock to Stone (reversible)
Transmute ashes to ashes, dust to dust (priest spell)
Unscented Cloud
Vampiric Breathing (perfect for harassing phone calls)
Waif Form
Walk
Wall of Frog
Wall of Paper
Wall of Velcro
Wizard Lick

[Dank]

my love and good wishes to Arizhel, goddess of all that is intelligent and sexified, salty and sour, puissant and delicate, dark and sanguine.

rofl this thread, and thanks for that. now that my life is finally back in order after the initial downtime, i look forward to jumping back into our little jedi to the exclusion of all else.

here are few more useless spells, left off the list, i'm sure, in order to preserve decorum.

Farbekrieg's Migraine of Anti-Reason
Siolfir's Oxymoronic Swarm of Confusion
Silverking's Holiday Spam Log
Suki's Jello Rain of Mysogyny
Tam's Lenghtening of the Third Leg
Arizhel's Blessing of the Iced Nipple
Umi's Invisible Id Tower
Ching's Broom of Sweeping Righteousness
Doc's Look of Pained Indifference
Ciara's Ultimate Word of Power

and don't overlook the very most useless of all,

Dank's Padded Cell of Oblivion

[Arizhel]

Useless Spell Compendium, Vol. III



Antagonize Kender
Berman's Death-to-the-Caster
Bigby's B*tch Slap
Bigby's Wandering Hand
Cone of Marshmallows
Control Smurf
Darkmoon's Not-So-Chaotic Dissonance
Destroy Solar System (material components: sunflower seed, 200,000 dragon wings)
Destroy Self
Detect Insider Trading
Detect Stupidity
Dominate Self
Draugadróttin's Centrifugal Contamination
Enrage Greater Demon
Fireballs (sets the target's testicles on fire - very effective, but a bit too kinky for TSR)
Galder's Jar Opener
Gelatinous Shell (immediately surrounds the caster in a gelatinous cube)
Gifted Maggot
Gumpify (target quotes random lines from 'Forrest Gump')
Henji's Irritable Bowels
Hypnotize Sea Anemone
Inaudible Glamour
Inspire Hate
Jeddaik's Bad Hair Day
Leomund's Lascivious Nakedness (target's clothes disappear for 1d4 rounds)
Leomund's Love Shack
Meatier Swarm
Magnetskin (makes the caster's skin magnetic, giving all metal weapons a +10 bonus to hit)
Mordenkainen's Faithful Pounds (just -try- dieting....)
Mordenkainen's Very Special Hound
Otto's Irresistible Nose-Picking
Polymorph Any Omelet
Polymorph Udder
Power Word, Fart
Power Word, Sneeze
Project Cream-Puff
Project Self
Safe Fall (like feather fall, but makes you weigh as much as a 12 ton bank vault)
Slay Dead
Speak With Bread
Sphere of Gesticulation
Stinking Klaus (summons a fat, smelly German businessman, who chases your enemies while eating an Oktoberfest sausage and belching)
Summon Gnome
Summon Lawyer
Summon Pet Rock
Zon's Desperate Pleading For Mercy

[ching]

Funny thing is, I was looking at a new broom at Home Depot on the way home today!

In any case, I liked it.